Get rid of bad luck.. one egg at a time.

One bad egg in the bunch.

What do you do when bad shit keep’s happening to you week after week? Do you pray, do good deed’s, stay home and eat? Do you blame the universe-or are you convinced that an enemy put a curse on you?

Well, when my mama was going through an unusually long dry spell at her sale’s job, she was convinced that an enemy from the past put a curse on her. My mama is way nicer than me and has a heart of gold and has no enemie’s but nonetheless, just in case she pissed off somebody with magic powers, she decided to consult her Persian tea leaf reader. She instructed my mama to throw an egg off her balcony in order to get rid of any bad omen’s around her and chant three times- “Leave me bad omen’s… I only welcome good around me ”

My mama went through two carton’s of egg’s in two week’s. She live’s on the penthouse floor of a condo and has vertigo. When she throw’s the egg’s its usually at midnight and she has to run and hurl the object into the air and off the balcony with her eye’s closed- to avoid getting dizzy when looking down.

The Superintendent had to eventually put a memo out warning the perpetrator to stop throwing egg’s off they’re balcony and blamed the kid’s living in the building for the mess.

So, my mom stopped. Not because of the memo but because nothing changed.

Her sale’s did go up-briefly but as she says’s, “If the universe doesn’t want you to have it than it’s just not going to happen. Opportunity will fly right under your nose and you won’t even know it. I pray to God and leave it in his hands.”

I went to the same Persian tea leaf reader once and she read only good things about my future…she also said I have a pure, clean heart.
My mother said “She’s full of shit. You don’t have a pure, clean heart. Who do you know these day’s that has a pure, clean heart? It’s not you. Don’t listen to her, listen to me. If you’re really, really, really serious about what your doing than IT will happen. Your not getting any younger so, you better decide what the hell you want and go after it. I want a house. Get on it”.

I’m an only child, sooo yeah. It’s all me.

*BONUS* “May you never find another man as kinky as me”

R. Kelley-Trapped in the Closet

I had a boyfriend back in the day-(I refer to him as Beelzebub for various reasons) anyways, he was Jamaican and fully believed in Hobea and witchcraft. One night we had a fight where I threatened to leave him, which lead to intense make up sex. You know, the kind where you vow to never sleep with another man again. The kind where you agree to let your man shave your cooch bald when he asks, in order to prove your undying loyalty. Yeah, that was me and yeah, it happened.

Beelzebub happily got out his electric razor and shaved me down, leaving me completely hairless.
I guess that was his way of taking me off the market. He then put my pubic hair into a neat pile, sparked a match and lit it on fire-while waving one hand in front of it chanting over and over again, “I put a curse on you, may you never find another man as kinky as me, may you never leave me Yoko”….
It was like I was in a bad R.Kelley video. I looked on in horror while the offending hair burned on a piece of cardboard he placed on the kitchen table.

I left him soon after that. ..for sooo many reason’s.

Beelzebub’s curse worked because I never found another man as fucked up and kinky as him. He ended up stalking me for year’s after that. Be careful, that shit comes back to haunt you, as Beelzebub found out.

Sooo, have you ever made an effigy of your ex and cursed them? If you have, has it worked?
Did you feel guilty?

I’ll listen to my mama when she say’s to be serious and get busy doing my thing, ’cause apparently, I don’t have time to waste throwing egg’s off the balcony.
I may not have a clean, pure heart…but at least I didn’t let one bad egg ruin the whole bunch.

Love you all,
Kisses and burning pube’s,
Yoko Sanchez